clouds, sun and paradoxes

Hello Friends,

Haven't been on in a couple days, was a good but busy weekend. Al posted photos I promised you of our Spring balcony flowers (includes activities of this weekend)on his facebook, as he joked that they wouldn't be on my blog for another 2 years. True, as I don't know how to post them yet!

Feeling a bit strange this morning. Fatigue from some late nights and long days have coupled with a very grey and cool morning to produce a meloncholic, sleepy and introspective morning. Have found out about myself lately that I don't just like having music on, but very often I NEED music on to work, clean, organize, eat. Music for me is like the wind that moves the clouds of life across the sky of my days.

Often I have to choose my music carefully because if I pick an album too close to my mood, esp. one like today, it can drive me even further into myself and my introspection and meloncholicness. Put on Rich Mullins "Songs" CD this morning to help me get going. Meaty lyrics that are introspecive but also so ordinary, like the things of our days, and borderline meloncholic but seasoned deeply with the hope and grace of Christ. Good stuff.

Found myself wanting to know more than the little I did about this modern-day poet and prophet. Checked out a 6 part video clip on "The Homeless Man" on youtubes about Rich Mullins' life, songs and legacy. Friends said he was desperately afraid of being lonely so he surrounded himself with community. He turned his weaknesses into something positive to serve others as well as himself. Something to learn from.

Aside from Fuzz the guinea pig, I am the only one home so far today (8:45am-1:30pm). Al is out at a meeting, the older 2 kids eat lunch at school today, and the youngest one is eating at a friends' home (as I will be busy with kids' extra-curric. activities this evening and tomorrow). I might be getting a lot done this morning, but instead I am experiencing this loneliness (amplified thanks to the above mood mentioned and seeing all before me to do and trying to decide where to start). Relizing both the blessing and irony of being placed in a big city. It is very difficult, maybe even impossible to go out of my door and down the stairs just to the entry of the apt. building without crossing someone who might say hi to me. Isolation is rather a choice here. I need people contact, yet too much wears me out. It can both energize and drain me. A perplexing paradox.

Even the weather this Spring day is a paradox, the sky is very grey and menacing then 15 min. later, the wind moves the clouds out and sun boldly blazes through the windows. Another 15 min. and the same wind blows the clouds back across the sky.

Stood out on our wonderful little "loggia" (mostly enclosed balcony) watching this process, getting some distant people contant from observing and listening to hear if I could make out sounds of our youngest returning to school with our friends.

Noticed the pot with the amarylis bulb bought from kid's school. First it pushed up 2 stocks with cheerful, red flowers then, one at a time the stocks withered and fell off to the side. Emma noted this and said, "Oh, how sad. The flowers are dead now." Seeing some tips of leaves pushing up in the midst of the dying stocks I told her that it was ok because the leaves would now grow up and feed and recharge the bulb so it would be stronger and have energy to bloom next year.

There's an interesting little paradox in that as well. Part of the plant dies, so another part can grow and feed it for another season. Feeling a bit like that bulb today. Waiting for those leaves to grow further, after the withered part of me (of last year and some of this sch. yr.), to take in the sun and feed me both now and for another season.

The stomach part of me is now starting to take over the contemplitive/ introspective part of me and tell me to eat some lunch and quit this blog. Thank goodness there are different parts of us with different needs otherwise, this blog would get really long- much more than the 5 min. destined for you to skim it!

Have a good, partly cloudy, but also partly SUNNY day!